NO REGRETS

another day in the grind I slave again to my own designs
still no sign of the fortress, the lastly reward promised
for all these uncountable perils, whence I perish without burrow
from all the falling shades of mine
another way I paved with sorrow, daydreaming about tomorrow
still no place has offered me the peace I project onto everything
to anesthetize the chaos, I lay fragile faithful veils
as if illusions helped me to harmonize

time and again I smack against a wall
and as if I could cause it to fall
with only stubbornness, I punch my fist to shreds
to deceive yourself you'll jump the chasm
with only wits is already impossible
with only legs let alone, I bet you'll break every bone

there's no use in inhabiting the trench I carved in hatred
disgusted with the outcomes, outcast from my own kingdom
a former vassal to my ideal I turned into a real leech
foraging for hopes I synthesize
it's a never-ending circle of ever increasing self-loathing
the mind sinks as the ego bloats, and I can never rock the boat
while my joys drift afloat, like a raft that's ever unreachable
the sharper my doubt the faster I dive

can't fight this enemy I anthropomorphize
it's but a shadow I allow to come alive
an puppet in my very hands, I fight another puppet-man
and that man is me again!
is to learn not to grieve, to turn away from the past?
and believe you'll write a new past over the last?
how many more times do I have to die...

can't fight an enemy that doesn't have a voice
how can I cast the emptiness into the void?
it's but a distraction, a tool I use for digressions
that allow me to waste my time
and I can't seem to communicate the pain that I can't suffocate
as long as it makes little sense, I keep switching for a different lens
with aims to explain my own demise, before I can talk it out and wide
how many more times do I have to lie...

maybe trying to throw the sadness overboard
by forgetting the hurt I caused with what I've done
is like accepting the past by choosing just not to hurt
does it mean not to regret anything?
Well, should my ego allow such a thing
without ever growing to drag me to the deeps?
just how many more times do I have to try...